REMEMBERING DOUG, MY FRIEND WHO COMMIT SUICIDE

May 28, 2006
Pastor Kok III's
Sunday Morning Message:
Remembering Doug, My Friend Who Commit Suicide, & Others
REMEMBERING DOUG, MY FRIEND WHO COMMIT SUICIDE


Good Morning my Friends. For those of you new to the Sunday Morning Message, I am Pastor Kok III, Founder of Mustard Seed Ministries, and every Sunday I transmit a Spiritual Message by e-mail to people around the nation and around the world.


Let's begin with a Song & a Prayer:

Prayer: Dear God, we come to you with all our faith & hope on this Sunday on Memorial Day Weekend and ask for you to bless us and be with us and give us the strength & inspiration to do Your will--delivering the Good News to those around us and around the country and around the world. Let us not be discouraged, Jesus.

For those who have lost loved ones let them have renewed hope. Let them find comfort in hoping that their loved ones are with You forever. And we know that if they knew You as Savior, that they surely are with You forever.

God, we pray for physical health--we ask for the discipline to eat healthy foods and exercise--not to allow our bodies to weaken--for they are the house for our Spirit & Soul. Help us to have the confidence to speak out when necessary--when there are wrongs that need to be righted, let us speak out about it. Let us never be timid about doing the right thing all the time. Give us the discernment, however, about how to address issues--using the best way possible.

And good Lord we pray for the leaders of our nation, the United States of America, and the nations around the world. We pray for godly wisdom in their minds. We pray that they will be “persons of conscience” --acting towards others as they, themselves, would have others act towards them--showing respect and concern for others as they would expect for themselves.

And we pray about the social issues of this world, Lord. There are lots of issues and not always one easy answer. Let our leaders and our people have the sense to work out a decision that is for the “greater good.”

And we pray for those who are victims of tragedies, large and small--for the victims of the earthquake in Indonesia, another large one, with large amounts of casualties. Comfort the survivors, Lord.

And thank you for the volunteers who are able to respond with assistance. And for the two children thrown off the balcony of a Florida hotel in Miami Beach--Oh God, we pray for these gentle little souls--too young to defend themselves. Whatever happened we do not know for sure yet, but we pray for the kids and the rest of the family. And for the many other countless tragedies, murders, deaths, accidents, we pray for healing, Lord

Song:Jesus I Love Thee
http://newsongonline.org/nsomid/hymns/my_jesus_i_love_thee.mid

Song: Pass it On
http://newsongonline.org/nsomid/hymns/passiton.mid

And that is one of my favorite songs! It only takes a spark! And that's what we are trying to do in this world, light a spark of faith in the lives of others. We cry out to You Oh Lord and ask for Your Holy Spirit to ignite the fire of faith in our young who do not yet know You, God. And for the old, some of whom have lived their entire lives without knowing You, even some who have gone to church their entire lives. Dear God, the time is now--let a Fire of Faith start on this Memorial Day Weekend, 2006, around the country and around the world!

Hear our Prayer & Song, Oh Lord!

Song: Precious Memories
http://newsongonline.org/nsomid/hymns/PRECIUSM.MID

And for Memorial Day Weekend, 2006 “Precious Memories” is what it is all about. Most of us have memories of lost loved ones (unless you haven't lived long enough) , some of whom died after long fruitful lives, others of whom died at an early age, some of natural but inexplicable causes, others of whom died more tragically, maybe in an accident, or maybe a victim of others, and in some cases a victim of themselves. Lord, this morning's message is devoted to the memories of those we loved.

Scripture: Luke 9:57-62

Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, "Lord, I will follow You wherever You go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." Then He said to another, "Follow Me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God." And another also said, "Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house." But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

Message: How can we Respect & Honor Our Loved Ones Who have Passed Away While Also Obeying the Command of Jesus to “Let the Dead Bury their Own Dead” ?

I remember when I was younger--this passage about letting the dead bury their own dead became etched in my mind and I was not very compassionate about funerals or issues of death & dying. I simply wanted to evangelize at high volume. And evangelism and telling the Good News is still a high priority for me.

But at the same time I am at an age where I have experienced more losses than twenty or thirty years ago. Some friends & classmates have died. Both my grandfathers have passed away in the last ten years, as well as my step-grandmother. A few professors have died. Persons I knew from church have died. And at a larger level, some of our leaders have died--former presidents & other world leaders. And every day we hear of someone else who was known by the world having passed away. Death & dying cannot be totally ignored, but how can we be true to the command of Jesus to “let the dead bury their own dead” at the same time?

Or are we too obsessed with death and the obituaries? Or is there a way to understand Jesus' command that will allow us to be respectful and compassionate while also true to His teachings?

I'm going to try to find a way. First, I'm going to talk about Doug Kosters. I've mentioned Doug Kosters briefly in previous messages or person e-mails to some of my listeners, but I haven't dedicated a message to him and I want to do so today, Memorial Day Weekend Sunday.

I knew Douglas Jay Kosters from church nursery around 1970 at 1st Christian Reformed Church (1st CRC in Grand Rapids, Michigan at 650 Bates St) when Chuck Terpstra was the pastor all the way through high school where he was a classmate at Grand Rapids Christian High (Plymouth St. Grand Rapids), and later as a classmate for a little while at Calvin College (3200 Burton St. Grand Rapids, MI).

Doug was the third child of Julius & Marilyn Kosters. He had an older brother, Steve, an older sister, Gayle, and a younger brother, James. Through Junior High the only time I would see Doug was at church functions, either Sunday School or Cadets or special occassions; and of course during the morning worship service.

He went to Oakdale Christian Junior High and I went to Millbrook Christian Junior High (and prior to that Seymour Christian Elementary & Alger Public Elementary) . Oakdale is in an older Grand Rapids neighborhood closer to downtown, while Millbrook is on the edge of Grand Rapids, near the gigantic Steelcase operations.

I don't know how Doug got to school every day growing up--maybe he walked or was given a ride by his parents or took the bus; but I walked to school every day through elementary--Alger was right across the street from our house and Seymour Christian was not much further away.

Later, I took the bus every day to Millbrook, rumbling in the old yellow bus down Eastern Ave to 36th St. where we took a left and not much further turned right into the Millbrook Christian Junior High parking lot.

The Christian schools of Grand Rapids feed into Grand Rapids Christian High (GRCH) Whatever neighborhood you grow up in--that's where you go to elementary and junior high, but then you eventually merge into GRCH, some having to be bussed or driven fairly long distances to attend--from Ada Michigan and the westside, even some students not from the Grand Rapids Christian schools would come from as far away as Hastings and other outlying areas.

And the Christian junior high schools would be rivals in sports. So when I was playing junior high basketball we would play Oakdale Junior High and Creston Junior High and Westside Junior High and so on and so forth. Sometimes these kids would go on to a few of the other Christian High Schools in the greater Grand Rapids area--such as Unity Christian and others.

But I went on to Grand Rapids Christian High, as did Doug Kosters. By the time you get to high school you already have your junior high “cliques”. You've known your classmates who have become friends from elementary school through junior high and if you played sports you've been teammates with them for a while as well.

The kids I knew from Seymour & Millbrook included Steve Griffeon (whom we called “Beaver” for some reason), and Dave Engelhard (whom everybody called “Dingle” for some reason), and there was Rick Otte, Keith Steensma, Dave Dejong, Colin Piers, Greg Heynen, Cameron Vandersloot (who left Millbrook after a while), Eric Ozolins, Jack Holwerda, Shane Holwerda, Amy Dice, Greg Bouwer, Rick Byle, and the list goes on and on.

And by the way, these were all white kids--mostly with Dutch ancestry. There was one black gal who was at Seymour & Millbrook--her name was Tracy Shannon--great girl--whom I admired and respected very much--she went on to Christian High too and I'll always wonder how she felt about the experience, being the only black gal in our school (although at the high school there were more).

One reason I may have been more conscious of it is because through fourth grade I was at the public elementary school--Alger was integrated, as many black as white--or at least more integration than at the Christian school.

That was a time when integration was becoming the norm. I didn't know any difference--for the first 7 or 8 or more years of your life you are not really aware of how things “used to be” even though it is occasionally taught and you might see it on TV sometimes.

So I played sports with all the above named kids and went to school with them daily and then we merged with all the other junior highs at GRCH and suddenly our rivals were now our teammates as well. The kids from Oakdale Junior High were much more “street smart” to a certain extent.

They came from a much more integrated setting. IN fact, of all the black kids (or African American if you prefer) at GRCH, most of them, at the time, came from Oakdale Christian. So the kids from Oakdale knew the integration experience better than anybody else. They were more “wordly” in that regard.

Doug knew the black kids too. He joked with James Maze & Eric Spearman and some of the others. They got along fairly well. Unfortunately, I don't think the kids from Millbrook and maybe a few of the other junior high schools learned to mix and socialize very well during high school.

I was a little disappointed about that, having made some black friends at Alger --I would have been more comfortable with more integration at the Christian school--and it would have been better for the white kids who were uncomfortable with integration--mostly because they learned the discomfort from their parents.
But Doug was different in that regard and of course 1st CRC was different in that regard because of its location. 1st CRC is on Bates St near the intersection of Eastern & Alexander (?)

For those who know Grand Rapids you know this part of town is “inner city.” It is near the old Calvin College campus which is now the headquarters for the Grand Rapids Public Schools. It's actually fairly close to East Grand Rapids, a wealthier area, but far from the “suburbs” or “rural” areas on the edges of Grand Rapids.

Millbrook is fairly far from downtown Grand Rapids and far from 1st CRC. But Oakdale is fairly close. So for those of us who went to Seymour & Millbrook, going “down” to 1st CRC for church every Sunday was an experience in integration and a change in perspective.

Greg Heynen was the only other classmate who also went to 1st CRC. So I shared that dynamic with him. While some of the Oakdale kids such as Doug Kosters & Trevor Rubingh (who is a pastor today at New City Church in New Jersey) & Joel Ruiter were somewhat “wizened” about the world to a limited extent those of us from Seymour-Millbrook had our eyes wide open.
These initial experiences at elementary and junior high level shaped our world views at an early age. Mine was skewed by the fact that I had already been at Alger Public through 4th grade so I was not the same as my classmates who went to Seymour since kindergarten.

That's a little bit of the “local color” of my life until we all merged at the high school on Plymouth Ave. At GRCH we started playing sports together with our former rivals--the other junior high schools. We became friends although some separation continued.

You still went back home every day to the neighborhoods close to your elementary and junior high school. So there was still a consciousness about and maybe some cliquishness according to what neighborhood you came from. You would still be on the high school bus with the same kids from elementary and junior high.


Later, my dormitory roommate for my first year of college was Keith Steensma, whom I had gone to Seymour and Millbrook and GRCh with--and whose dad was our junior high math teacher (and again I roomed with him during a semester in Spain)

The friendships made at an early age linger, seemingly forever. Another friend, Jack Holwerda, became a roommate of mine as a young adult shortly after college and later when I returned to Calvin College for a second degree (see http://www.mustardseedfaith.org/picturedRocksPage.html )

And there were little nuances that made some of us friends and some of us merely classmates. I never consciously thought about it until later on in life. For example, Rick Otte was a classmate for all these same years as well but we never really became “friends.”

Steve Griffeon was a classmate for all these same years as well but we never really became “friends.” You see, by the time I came over to Seymour, cliques had already formed there as well. I was not part of the “inner circle” at Seymour--which included Steve Griffeon, Rick Otte, & Dave Engelhard.

Engelhard was the most expansive of the clique--making efforts to include others--probably because his dad, Dave Sr., was more involved with the church. Rick Otte was not so inclusive--although his dad was a nice guy at GRCH--the career counselor.

Griffeon's dad was a carpenter, and there was not a lot of social inclusiveness coming from him, although Steve was the best athlete in our class and later was the high school class king.
And at our Christian High athletics was very important. In fact, I think it was sometimes too important, overshadowing the importance of being an “athlete for Christ” . Those who excelled in athletics in the Christian schools, nonetheless, were placed on a higher pedestal.

And ironically, sometimes because of their athletic prowess, later were given more esteem in the church and became church leaders. I'm not sure this was always good either. Nonetheless, it happened.
So as we arrived at high school there were cliques and some of them remained tightly so through high school.

In fact, I would say that Doug and I did not get along that well through Junior High. I remember Doug & Trevor being sort of sarcastic whereas Greg Heynen & myself were more “sheltered”--not sure how to respond to some of the wisecracks made by Doug and maybe Trevor & Joel Ruiter a little bit too. They were “worldly” kids by virtue of the integration they were experiencing at Oakdale Junior High.

Nonetheless, there was a little more mingling at the high school. Kids became more familiar with each other and less concerned about what side of town they were from--southeast, westside, etc--Grand Rapids is divided into four sections --Southeast, Southwest, Northeast, and Northwest. Anytime you mail a letter you include SE, SW, NE, or NW on the address to help the postal system. But high school , at least the Christian High School, was supposed to eliminate some of this consciousness, right? So I thought.

Anyways, I was about to experience a gigantic shift in my life. While I was still getting used to mingling with kids from the northwest side and still getting to know Doug Kosters and Trevor Rubingh and Joel Ruiter and Dan Klunder and Lee Berkenpas, and Jim Reitsma, and Mike Terhorst, and Ken Schellhaas, et. al to name only a few, a little better, ...by the end of my junior year in high school, June,1984, my dad decided to accept a position as Director of Pastoral Care at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, CA.

Suddenly we were leaving our little house at 1020 Griswold St where I had walked to elementary school and taken the bus to junior high and to high school and now we were driving our two cars to California where my dad had recently purchased a house on Chicago Avenue in Bellflower.

I was thinking about going to Valley Christian High for my senior year of school, which, I found out later, was founded by my grandfather Kok--the late Rev. Gareth Kok (funny thing was my dad never told me that--I found it out through my own research later on in life).

In fact, I practiced with the Valley Christian High football team that summer and made friends with Kirk Templeman and Kurt Degroot and a few other valley kids who befriended me--knowing I was the “new kid on the block” .

But with only a few days left before school started I got a call from the varsity football defensive coach at GRCH, Jeff Pettinga, in Grand Rapids, and he had heard I was seriously thinking about coming back from my senior year of high school, and his encouragement was the catalyst to get me going back.

I made arrangements to live with a friend, Rick Byle, for the year, and my dad bought an old yellow 1973 Chevy Caprice for me, and a few days later, with a few articles of clothing and personal belongings, I was on the road back to Grand Rapids.

I actually ended up living with Rick Byles family on Hazen Street for only a semester, and for the second semester I lived with my Uncle Gary's family in Kentwood, on Edgelawn. I felt like I was burdening the Byle family and didn't want to be a burden to anybody. Had it been my choice I would have lived in my own apartment. But it worked out okay.

The Byle family was a great family--nice kids--Rick was the second of three boys in the family--there was his older brother, Raymond, and younger brother, Randy. In fact, they lived on the street where I had my first paper route. That's how I originally got to know the Byles. I delivered the Grand Rapids Press to their door every day.

Later, we would hang around the neighborhood, playing with friends, trying to stay out of trouble or mischief, but occasionally getting into it.

Mischief is a good word for it. The “trouble” I got into was never serious trouble--it was always mischief, for throwing snowballs at cars for example (and once for throwing water balloons at cars). Today, living in Los Angeles, I would not think that throwing anything at cars is very funny but in the small town of Grand Rapids it seemed funny and harmless. And Rick was my accomplice in a lot of this mischief.

You see, Hazen Street is less stately than some other neighborhoods and there's less inhibitions about running across other people's lawns and just plain mixing with neighbors.

My other friends from the southeast side were more “stately”--hard to get Jack Holwerda to get a little rowdy--at least it was for the first twenty years of his life. Later, for a brief period I think he did intentionally try to lose some inhibitions but it wasn't natural to him. Jack was a perfectionist at least at the external level--keeping his car clean, keeping his clothes clean.

Rick Byle, on the other hand, at a young age, was less concerned about his clothes or personal appearance. He just liked having fun. Today, he may have changed, I'm not sure. Some of who we are at an early age is due to who our parents are and what they are like and what they expect. Sometimes we ourselves, our genuine personalities, don't fully emerge, until later in life.

IN general, however, kids from Seymour-Millbrook were a little more reserved and cautious than those from Oakdale. But even within the Seymour-Millbrook class there was a wide range of diversity if you looked close enough. And if you are with the same kids almost every day for the first 18 years of your life you get to know each other.

Now Doug Kosters was a character. He was a witty kid--as I was saying a little sarcastic sometimes, not always very nice in junior high , but later on more of a gracious guy. He played a little guitar--I remember he could play the chords to 'Stairway to Heaven” fairly well. He drove the family car--an old Caprice if I recall correctly.

His dad, Julius, was a partner with Kosters--they owned a paint company together--Julius-Kosters Painting. All the kids worked for their dad when they weren't in school . Later they moved to a big house on Burton St, not far from the Byles house on Hazen. IN fact Rick & I would drive down Burton to school every morning and sometimes we would pick up Doug along the way.

Doug sometimes had a hard time getting up on time in the morning so sometimes we would have to sit and honk and wait for him to come out. Doug was a classic kid. And he had a sense of humor that got the teachers laughing sometimes too. He played JV football. He loved to watch the TV show MASH.

I'm not sure he had a “clique” at school. Trevor Rubingh was close for a while, but Trevor was a year older than us. I'm not sure if there were any Oakdale cliques in the class with whom Doug hung around. He gravitated in my direction in high school because we knew each other from church. And I tried to be a nice fellow in return.

Later, I invited Doug and Jack to come to California and they took Amtrak from Chicago (with me) and we arrived at Union Station in Los Angeles where we were picked up by my dad, Jim Kok. Jack came again later on with Keith. And I would see Doug again from time to time during college. I went to Calvin College. He initially went to Junior College.

In fact, after I did a semester in Hawaii I lived with Doug and Rick in an apartment on Wealthy Street for a semester (while I was still at Calvin College).
Like some Michigan kids, I also learned to hunt in greater Grand Rapids. I had a 12 gauge shotgun which I cleaned and cared for and would go out hunting for geese or deer from time to time with Jack or Rick. I never got a deer in the few years I tried hunting, but I did get a goose once. I never hunting with Doug--and never thought he was interested.

So maybe I should have been concerned when he told me sometime during college that he had bought a shotgun. But going through Calvin College I was not sitting around reflecting long enough to think much of anything in that regard. I just figured Doug was doing what a lot of Michigan kids do, myself as well.

And as I came to the end of Calvin College in 1989--having graduated (see http://www.mustardseedfaith.org/GraduationPage.html ) I worked at Pine Rest Hospital for a year after having also worked for a few months at a law firm called Mika, Meyers, Beckett, & Jones. Then I went on to law school in Detroit. For a semester. Less than a semester, actually.

I decided to leave Wayne State Law School in November, 1991--having felt that I had a different calling--a Higher calling, even though I wouldn't pursue that Higher Calling myopically right away, thereafter. I was more like Jonah trying to avoid God's call.

Leaving Wayne State Law School and what promised to be a comfortable career I stopped in Grand Rapids and picked up a few things at the house I had lived in on Kalamazoo St. just around the corner from the Koster home on Burton. Doug had stopped by there from time to time. IN fact, I got in touch with Doug and arranged to meet with him at Pietros Restaurant on 28th St.

He was now taking pre-seminary classes including Greek at Calvin College. I felt sorry for him because I knew how hard Classical Greek at Calvin College could be. I, myself, took Koine Greek at RBC (Reformed Bible College now re-named Abraham Kuyper College) --a much better way to learn Greek.

I was packing things up ---getting ready to go to California. I was not sure what I would do in California, just knew for some reason it was time to go. So I had a cup of coffee with Doug at Pietros. He paid for it of course. Doug was always generous--he worked for his dad and felt like he could help others, especially “starving students” like myself. He didn't look good.

I wasn't sure what was going on with him, but he mentioned a few things. He said he had been to Pine Rest (where I had worked previously--it's a Christian psychiatric hospital, where my dad, as well, had worked as a chaplain while we lived in Grand Rapids). They had treated him as an outpatient and did not think he needed to be admitted for depression. I didn't think so either. I couldn't figure out what was causing him to be so depressed.

He had mentioned headaches frequently while going through high school. He said he experienced migraines and had been examined by doctors for it. But none of what he said to me meant much--I was not experienced or educated enough to make anything of it. I was just surviving at that age.

I wished some of my friends--some of the mutual friends of Doug--who grew up in Grand Rapids and had a lot of heritage in Grand Rapids, could have done more for Doug. You see, my dad did not have heritage in Grand Rapids. He had grown up in Southern California and later in Holland, MI. He was not like the fathers who had grown up in Grand Rapids and gone to Christian High themselves. He had connections to people but more at the Calvin College level, less at the high school level.

And that's another mystery--where did Julius & Marilyn Kosters, Doug's parents, come from? I never found out. I just thought of them as Grand Rapids folk. But I wonder where they went to high school? Both of them went to Calvin College briefly but did not graduate.

I think it's important to maintain a sense of who we are and where we came from and I never got a sense of that from Julius & Marilyn. They were just Grand Rapids folk--parents, members of 1st CRC. But if we lose too much identity we lose some of our integrity. That's not to say Julius & Marilyn didn't have integrity. Julius had the paint company. Marilyn was a homemaker.

What I mean is a sense of greater purpose and individuality. I don't think all of who we are should become lost to being a “parent” or "Christian Reformed family." And that ties in to my morning spiritual message which I haven't even gotten to yet.

Anyways, I said farewell to Doug at the Pietros, and didn't think much more about his situation. Like Julius & Marilyn I thought of him as ubiquitous to Grand Rapids--always a part of it, always included in the church and nothing much to worry about. I was wrong.

I stopped to say farewell to Rick Byle over at West Michigan University too (see http://www.mustardseedfaith.org/RickBylePage.html ) He was doing okay. He later got married (I missed the wedding but was there for the bachelors party, which I didn't approve of) and is now a teacher at Anchor Bay High School outside Detroit, Michigan.

And then I hit the road with my bicycle on top of my old Toyota Celica (see http://www.mustardseedfaith.org/OpenRoadPage.html ) I also said farewell to Steve Korhorn and Dave Dejong http://www.mustardseedfaith.org/DJPage.html two more high school friends.

Of these friends I said farewell to, all of them except Steve Korhorn were from my original Alger Park southeast side neighborhood.

I arrived in California a week or so later and there I hung out at my parents house and waited for God's call. It would not be long before I got a call, but not directly from God. It was Dave Dejong who called in early December, 1991. His voice was distraught.

He said “Doug killed himself, Doug killed himself!” It took me a few moments to realize who was calling and who he was talking about. I did not immediately make the connection to Doug Kosters. IN fact, the conversation was brief. I don't remember what we said after I realized what he was telling me. I hung up and sat down and literally cried. My parents, Jim & Linda Kok, had taken a walk down the riverbed around the corner from their house on Chicago Ave. Moments later they came in and saw me distraught and asked me what was wrong. I told them.

Doug Kosters ended up shooting himself in the head with the shotgun he bought. I think I heard mention that there was a note, but don't know the particulars of it. He ended his life in the basement of the house he was living in with a few other Calvin Seminary students including a fellow by the name of Art, who I had known a little bit as well.

A few days later I flew back for the funeral. I was one of the pall bearers. Morris Greidanus was still the pastor at 1st CRC and conducted the funeral proceedings. During the time I had known the Kosters at 1st CRC we had had at least four pastors--Chuck Terpstra, Don Klop, a fellow by the name of Bos, and then Morris Greidanus, a Canadian fellow. IN fact, I knew Morris because I had committed profession of faith through him at 1st CRC when I was a senior in high school.

Rick Otte was at the funeral because he was working for Zaagmans Funeral Home. Lisa Korf, a friend from high school came to the funeral. But there were those who felt no compulsion whatsoever to attend, apparently. Even those with whom Doug had gone to junior high.

Even some of those friends I knew and we knew mutually did not think of attending. That's the way the social structure sometimes flows in Grand Rapids. Suddenly, friends were no longer friends or didn't want to be associated with a funeral of this sort.

It bothers me a bit because it defies the concept of the Body of Christ. Here, the notion of "letting the dead bury their own dead" does not fit. You see we should be transcending false boundaries and walls in Christ. There should not be a “southeast” side or “northwest” side in Christ. Jesus words were to a specific person at a specific time in a specific context.

The Christian schools should bring together people in Christ, rather than separate. Where was Steve G? Where was Dave E? Where was James M? And Jack H? And Peter H.? And Richard H.? Were they there? I don't know who all was there and that's why I don't point fingers but I know there were not enough people there. And that's why I say “suicide is social homicide”

We can prevent suicide---if we care enough. But it takes work. You have to be willing to go out of your comfort zone. ANd it is the church or should be the church that is doing this more than others

But I didn't feel this comraderie at the time. But then my lifestyle and perspective was completely different than those of my former classmates by this time in life. I did not feel a sense of total dependence and affiliation to Grand Rapids anymore.

The move we had made in 1984 had changed my perspective. Some of my family members who did not make that move still think of themselves as “Michiganders” or “Grand Rapidians”. I had lost some of that sense of identity--not completely, but more so than them. Even friends I knew from high school today still feel constricted to a certain mile radius according to where they grew up.

I encourage my friends in Christ to break away from these false boundaries. It is this breaking away that is part of the call to Evangelize, the more we do it the more we become liberated and liberate others (and when I say "evangelize" I don't mean in an obnoxious in-your-face manner that only offends others).

We need to continue to widen our circles, otherwise we constrict and become too myopic and too self-concerned and too much of all kinds of other “self” issues.

In fact, that willingness to accept the call of God to reach others is a matter of life & death--and it does not necessarily mean going to seminary ( if that happens to work out so be it, but otherwise you can follow God's call without it, maybe sometimes even better than those with seminary education).

My friends, accept the call that God has given to you with courage. Do not back away from that call. I myself am wondering right now which way I should go, but I know it will always be forward. There's no going home.

In fact, I haven't been home for a holiday since 1992 or thereabouts, and won't be for a while. That's not to say I don't love my family, but I love Christ more and I hope my family does too. Family is good, but the the family of Christ is better. Too much devotion to family can constrict your growth in Christ.

IN fact too much devotion to family is sometimes a sign of fear--fear of moving out, moving on, practicing the call of God. It takes conscientious effort to become an extroverted person in Christ. And it's necessary.

Once we truly make that break away then we can come back with integrity to our “tribe” and be a blessing--otherwise it's just co-dependence. And maybe that's what Jesus is indicating in the above passage.

Elsewhere Jesus shows compassion for issues of death & dying. He's concerned about healing others (or those who want to be healed). He even weeps. He cares. What he is talking about or to in this passage is contextual. He is talking about some of what I just mentioned above--too much family (nuclear or extended family) can hinder our liberation in Christ and our ability to liberate others.

Sometimes you can't go back and say goodbye. You just have to go. West Michigan has strong family ties. People are connected and inter-connected by family ties. But sometimes this hinders their ability to grow in Christ. Their potential is shriveled.

There's a time in life when each young man or woman has to make a significant choice and decision from which there is no going back. That is the call to Christ. And we have to encourage others in such regard as well, not inhibit them for our own self-serving reasons.

If we are parents we must not become so comfortable with having our cute kids with us that we restrict their ability to become mature Christians.

And I wish I had more time to devote to the message itself this morning but I spent most of the time laying the groundwork--the story of Doug, and how it is inter- related to all of us.

And I devote this message to other loved ones lost, whether it is a loved one lost in battle in the military, a loved one that passed away from old age, or a loved one who took his or her own life. This Memorial Day, 2006, is too all of you, in the name of Doug Kosters.

Let us learn from others lives and today from Doug. And there are a few other suicide deaths which I want to mention.

There was my grandmother Helen Mills Peters who took her own life in the middle of the night in the garage of their home at 750 Plymouth back in mid-1900's--an exact date I do not have. She turned the car on, shut all the windows and doors and let herself fall “asleep” forever.

And there is Johnny Carl, the former Hour of Power orchestra conductor at the Crystal Cathedral. He took his life just before Christmas a few years ago--at the Crystal Cathedral itself. He shot himself in the head. I did not personally know Johnny Carl or even my own grandmother Helen Mills Peters. I did know Doug. And some of you did too. You are part of the Body of Christ, I hope. Remember that.

So we live and learn and try to prevent history from repeating itself.

Prayer: Dear God, thank you for letting me tell this story today. May it help others in some way. May we learn from it. May it somehow become a understandable part of Your greater purpose. And may my message as I understand the lesson from Jesus to be interpreted be meaningful to others. Hear my prayer Oh Lord. Amen

Song: Softly And Tenderly Jesus is Calling http://newsongonline.org/nsomid/hymns/Softly_and_Tenderly.mid
Jesus is calling and He is calling us to reach out to others, not to take our own lives. If you ever have such a feeling you need to do something radical with your life. Take a trip. Move to a new place. Try something new. Above all else--believe in Jesus and start telling the Good News! This alone--the act of evangelism- will give you a sense of purpose.

Song: Stand up Stand up for Jesus
http://newsongonline.org/nsomid/hymns/STANDUP.MID

So stand up for Jesus and live a new life. Don't worry about material things. Don't worry about where you will live or the kind of house or car you will have. Those things will take care of themself. Trust Jesus first, and follow Him.

Thanks for listening my friends. Be a blessing to others this Memorial Day Weekend. Help others. Make new friends. Abolish false boundaries.

Sincerely

J.P. Kok
Pastor Kok III
JOHN THE EVANGELIST FOR CHRIST